A few months ago I started a practice of sharing with you all what I am grateful for at the end of each month. I began this in hopes that we could together recognize the beautiful moments in our lives, small though they may be, that light a fire under us and make us feel safe, loved and appreciated. I very much plan to get back to that practice in July however I’m having a challenging time with it in June. In interest of being true to myself and as transparent as I can be I’m going to share with you why.
You see, Junes are particularly tough for me. I lost my best friend and my other, much better, half on June 25 more years ago than I can believe. It has in fact been seven years as of tomorrow since I picked up the phone and received the worst news of my life. Even all these years later I have not fully processed his loss because a part of me hasn’t been willing to acknowledge his absence from my life as truly real. When you clutch grief close to your heart it has an amazing way of sheltering you from reality.
Grief is natural and is expected after a loss, particularly a sudden one. At some point however most of us work through our grief and either learn to live with it or release it from our lives. Even seven years later I have not yet been able to do that with my best friend. Seven years later I still find myself dreading the month of June and bracing myself for the inevitable sorrow June 25 will bring all over again.
A few days ago something in me shifted. I was searching for a necklace I had of his initials that I originally wore 24/7 following his death. This week has been a tough one and, with the anniversary of his death coming up, I wanted something tangible to reach for during trying moments. The necklace, I found, is gone.
After initial devastation washed over me it hit me that it might be a good thing the necklace is gone. It hit me that it has been seven years since his death and I have not lived one of those 2,555 days without desperately missing him and feeling the weight of his loss. 2,555 days. Nearly a quarter of my life. It hit me at that moment like a wave crashing over me that it is time to release some of that weight because it is simply too heavy to continue to carry. It is time and I am ready to release the part of my love for him that constantly mourns his loss and finally work towards focusing that energy on appreciating his memory and honoring it by living my life to the fullest.
So this month I am simply thankful that I am ready to move forward in my life and feel gratitude through grief. I am also thankful for all of you because you allow me to have a platform where I can be honest and express my feelings.
Given the nature of this post and my general state of mind during this past month I would love nothing more than to hear about the positive and happy occurrences in your lives. I firmly believe that when we share our joy with others we invite them to experience it right along with us. I would greatly appreciate the opportunity to do just that as I celebrate my best friend’s memory tomorrow. What wonderful things have happened in your lives this month? What are you bursting with gratitude for?